Why do I hate The Flash (2023)?

My name is Maiamama and I’m the fastest reviewer alive!

Do I hate The Flash because it is derivative? 

No. All good comic book movies should be derivative, especially on a character that has already been made. And especially with a character like the Flash. I mean that’s how the Multiverse works. But the Flash themselves is full of inevitable intersections. Barry must be with Iris, Barry must lose at least one his parents, Barry must be good friends with other superheroes. And Barry must go back in time and try to save his mother. And that will never work and it will always result in some catastrophe. So if anything, I found that sticking to the main story points of the Flashpoint Paradox was comforting.

Do I hate The Flash because of the special effects?  

I mean, a little bit. This movie cost $200 million to make. The Flash TV show cost $1.5 million per episode. And the special effects look about the same. That said, it looks pretty good. I was just expecting a lot more from it. 

Do I hate The Flash because of all of the Nostalgia fan service? 

Of course not. I mean I’m literally a fan and they served it right up to me. I loved seeing Christopher Reeves and Helen Slater as Superman and Supergirl respectively in their universe. And Michael Keaton’s Batman? Oh my goodness he was so amazing, really good. And the nostalgia fan service works in a Multiverse story. I was disappointed to not see Grant Gustin’s Flash in this movie. Because movie Flash was on the TV Multiverse Crossover Crisis that happened back in 2019. At least Nicholas Cage finally got to play Superman, if only for a moment. And who doesn’t like three Batmans? It almost cancels out the three Flashes.

Do I hate The Flash because of the story? 

Also no. This is The DC Multiverse and this is Flashpoint. Both of which are infinite pools of story resources. Time is boundless and you can always change things in the multiverse. And the Flash’s worst/best enemies are always himself/another speedster. It really doesn’t matter to me that this is not a new story. If you can find a new way or a better way to tell the same story I’m going to love it. And this story….It was good. Kind of hard to mess up if they follow the directions. It’s like a grilled cheese sandwich. If you’re going to make it right you need bread and cheese and as long as you have that going then you’ll do well. All the story points are hit here.  The Flash saves a bunch of people. He is reminded that his father Henry Allen is in prison for his mother’s murder and he is innocent. Barry talks to Batman about whether or not he should change time. Batman always tells him not to.  Barry Allen decides to change time. The world is in chaos. Barry needs batman. Batman is not Batman. But Batman is Batman. Barry has to fight a bad guy so that he can go back and not save his mom. I mean, that’s Flashpoint, right?

Do I hate The Flash because of Ezra Miller? 

A whole bunch. I am not a fan of them, but once I decided that I was going to write a review about this movie, I was able to slightly compartmentalize, And just focus on the character and not the actor. Unfortunately, I have never really enjoyed their portrayal of Barry Allen. Barry Allen is kind of a sad guy. He has a big heart, in fact he is the heart of the Justice League. Barry may seem like a light-hearted goof, but behind that is a person who always strives to do the right thing, to save everyone. And I found it incredibly frustrating that I did not see that in their character portrayal until maybe the last half of this movie. And not at all in the Justice League movie, 2017 or 2021. It was as frustrating a character amalgamation as Ryan Reynolds’ portrayal of Hal Jordan in Green Lantern 2011. It was as if they mixed every single Flash into a smoothie and came out with this mess of a person. Not exactly Barry, maybe a little Wally, and possibly a dash of Jay Garrick? The reason why Barry’s best/worst enemies are either himself or some type of Speedster are because of the amount of grief and regret and sorrow within Barry Allen. And yet, Barry gets up every day and he runs through it, not away from it. And that’s why he’s such a cool character. Sorry. I’m just a big fan of The Flash, and this was not it.

Did I hate the complete lack of Henry Cavill’s Superman?

No. I don’t care about Superman. We all need to stop caring so much about Superman. And I liked this version of Kara Zor-El. Sasha Calle played an amazing Supergirl. It’s disappointing that we probably won’t see her in that role anymore. But also, where was Black Superman? Did they trade Black Superman for Nicholas Cage? Was Idris Elba busy? Could they not reach David Ajala or Aldis Hodge?

Wait, so did I hate The Flash? 

Well I probably didn’t hate it. But I am as disappointed as I thought I would be. I would only recommend this movie if you are a completionist or you just don’t care if the movies you watch are very good. I really hope Blue Beetle is good. 

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